I LOST EVERYTHING…ALMOST
Over the past few weeks I’ve talked a lot about me and some of the things I’ve been through. My world at times has been convoluted with crazy events or pain, even disappointments that I’ve experienced. The most prevalent thing that I can talk about in all of my experience is my depression. It lasted for almost 2 years, and it was the most serious space I’ve ever been in. I also realize that through going through that much turmoil within myself that there had to be some type of effect on those around me. I’ve already spoken about the days where my daughter wonders if I’m coming back home or if I’ll be gone for a while. That’s surely painful, but what I didn’t and haven’t really spoken about are the fears of the things I almost and could have lost had I not gotten the help I needed, and come out of that place.
For those that know me, my year started out with a new Hashtag, a new theme for my world. #FAMILYMATTERS. It’s a theme that I prayed about and spiritually believe in. God allowed me to see myself through the lens of my family in ways I didn’t know possible. In that dark place in my mind, I convinced myself that my children didn’t need me. Or that they’d be better off without me. I thought that their grandparents and mother would do a better job of influencing their life than I ever could. I didn’t think I was needed. To be completely 110 about it, that’s where I truly almost failed. I failed in thinking that there was anyone that could replace me in my own life. Well, Jason, when you say it like that, it sounds silly…Yeah, I know. As men, as parents, as fathers, we have to understand that God has entrusted the lives of our children to us. They are just on loan. And it is our job to instill in them the values, and goodness that were given to us. Behaviors are taught, no inherited. In other words, when someone is good to someone, they were taught to be good, even more so what is good. The values that I have for my children in treating others the right way, cannot be taught the way I teach them. The way my son and daughter do things will come from me and their mother. No one else can give them that, and I do myself a disservice to believe anything otherwise.
I mention all of that because when I lost sight of that, I was in danger of someone else doing for them what only I am supposed to do. I’ll keep it real. The thought of another man, person, or otherwise raising the children that I helped to birth sickens me. Not because another man isn’t capable of doing well in certain areas, but BECAUSE I AM STILL ABLE…I still have my life, my faculties, and my values that were given to me. Things that no one person can ever take away. And to think that I was about to give up my place (cause someone can’t take that away, trust me) is a real cause for concern.
That last two lines of the previous section are a big theme for this subject. The moment I pictured another man with my wife, I cried, and cried, and cried. I saw someone else making her smile and it almost killed the very heart of me. But when I thought about it, I realized that it was my doing. Something I will always be hard on myself about. My wife has been everything to me for the past 17 years of my life. I have known and loved her for almost half of my life. And to believe that it was time for me to give up on the woman I call the ‘LOVE OF MY LIFE’ just…well…it just…I don’t know…I don’t know how to describe how that feels. I guess I could equate it to having a hole in my chest. Or missing a vital organ. My issues caused me to think that it was okay to walk away, and that was a deafening feeling. But a decision that didn’t just hurt her, it hurt me too. I just couldn’t believe we weren’t gonna make it. That’s what I kept telling myself. And rather than tell her, that it’s not what I really wanted, I just sat there, in my stupor. I sat there and wallowed in my own mess. Some of are out there being so comfortable in chaos, that we don’t or can’t even appreciate how good we have it. I honestly thought that was the right thing to do. As if that was acceptable. I thought for some reason someone else could be better for her, when truth of the matter was she had who she believed was best. When I finally saw what I had done, it was this long hard gaze into a mirror. It was the ugliest thing I had ever seen. There was someone there, but there was almost no SOUL to the person that did what I did. I didn’t think about what I was doing, I simply ran. And that’s honestly tough to confess today. Even though we’re in a much better place, I still have trouble thinking about it all. Simply because it could have gone another way. I still feel the doubt in her voice at times. It’s something I will have to deal with for as long as it takes. And I will, because I understand now. I see that I CAN’T LOSE her again. I can’t give UP All that WE Have, and have established together.
IN a matter of 4 seconds, I was contemplating giving up something another thing that didn’t necessarily belong to me. My LIFE. And I know for me it wasn’t even serious in the grand scheme of things, but I am a very internal person, and those 4 seconds felt like an eternity. This in no way shape or form is HUGE on the grand scale of suicide attempts of others or actual successful suicides (CAN WE really CALL SUICIDE Success??). It was however, a turning point for me. It was what I needed to know I had to get some type of help. Some type of counseling. I felt my voice leaving me. I was in the Sunken place as the movie Get Out suggests. I could see it all happening, but it was as if I couldn’t speak up for myself. I was truly Broken at the time. I wanted to be better, but so much was happening around me that I didn’t think I could be. At least I had convinced myself of that. All in all, I knew that if I didn’t get help, I would never be well again. I would never hear my voice again, I’d never be me again. It’s a victory, Yes. But it doesn’t mean I’ll never have to fight again.
I say all this to basically say, that if you haven’t taken inventory, because for some reason you don’t think it’s important. You really need to. You need to count the blessings that you have. And when you do you’ll see that you have more than you actually think you do. More to love, more to live for and more to Lose. There’s probably so much more to lose than you’ll ever know. Also think how it would truly affect other people if you weren’t here. Our spouses, our children. Those are the areas of loved ones that we affect the most. We don’t take a second to think that we have an impact that isn’t always spoken about. We are also appreciated much more than we could ever know. We just have to find ways to see it. We have to be cognoscente of the things that got us here. The experiences that we have shared with others, and that make us who we are. It’s just a life lesson that I’m talking about today. I’m talking about understanding that you haven’t lost everything just yet. But if you give up, and bow down to the forces meant to break you, you absolutely Will. And losing everything doesn’t just HURT you. It doesn’t just cost for YOU. It cost EVERYBODY you know…It’s COST EVERYTHING…
More to come…