The IDentity Crisis


So…everyone…here goes another moment. You know what talking about. One of those moments of absolute transparency. I guess I’m starting to find that this will be one of the biggest lessons of my lifetime. Probably a lifetime in general.  Throughout my life, my relationships, marriages, etc., I’ve really struggled. And when I say struggled, I probably mean wrestled with a lot of different emotions.  One could say that it’s the whole thing that the bible says about a double – minded man being unstable in all his ways. Now,  I wouldn’t personally call it that, however, I would say that I’ve struggled a bit with my own decisiveness.  I realize that I’ve never been someone whose mind could easily be changed more or less, but at the same time, my thoughts on different subjects were not always my own.  Not because I couldn’t think for myself, but because I always figured the way I thought about things would be misunderstood, or considered too ‘deep’ or whatnot.  I just never wanted to be harsh and hurt someone’s feelings if I told them what I really thought. I would probably say that maybe that’s just my lifelong thing.  I may always struggle relating to the world, and maybe that’s just the way it was meant to work out.

Off of me for a moment:  Our country has gone through several changes over the past few years. We have people changing their minds and even their bodies, races, genders etc.  And why?  Why would someone go through such a drastic change?  Why would they subject themselves to things such as ridicule, and most of all pain and hurt?  You hear people saying things like how they self identify with one thing or another only to find out that they know nothing about the thing they think they identify with. People like Rachel Dolezal and Bruce or Caitlin Jenner are names that ring a bell. Telling stories of how when they were young they played with the girl dolls, or the ‘black ones’ because that’s who they saw themselves as.  Saying that all their life, they knew there was something different about them, and then one day they realized that it was whatever they decided to change to.  So what’s my point in all this?  The point is that in life everyone is searching for their own identity. They are searching for something, or someone they can feel safe enough around to be exactly who they are.  Some find it in people, and others find it in becoming other people.  Now I’m not saying I condone or get down like that, I’m just saying it seems to be the world we live in.  
Despite saying all of that, it still seems that even with all those changes, no one seems like they really have an idea of who they are.   It’s even trickled into marriages and relationships.  I guess I don’t even think that’s right.  I believe that marriage and relationships were like that before all of the new age stuff.  You see, the thing about marriages is that you have two people trying to be like minded.  Trying to get to a point l where they agree.  Where we seem to get lost in all that is when one party or even both parties try so hard to adapt to their spouse or partner, that they ultimately end up losing a part of themselves.   What do I mean by that?  I mean that couples tend to think that Love is something they have to be someone else for.  That they have to give up being a part of themselves in order to find the relationship’s “True Identity”.  I think that’s where we get it all wrong.  Yes, relationships do require compromise, but those compromises don’t mean that you shouldn’t be you.  Or whoever you claim to be that week.  True Love, has no blame, and is always forgiving.  True Love is accepting of you someone is, when no one else is looking.  It endures everything, even the days where you’re not feelin’ one another.   So if you can’t be that person, and feel good or happy with that, then maybe, just maybe, you shouldn’t be together.  (Sorry not Sorry)  Couples all over the world are searching for that person they can feel like their best self with, but at the first sign of adversity, they change, and tweak and adjust themselves to conform with another person’s idea of who they should be.  Is that Love?  Or is that just being someone you’re not?
Getting back to that whole transparent thing:  I’ve spent so many years of my life being concerned about what others thought.  About whether or not they’d Love me once they found out who I was, and my ideas of Love and intimacy.  Then, at the moment they didn’t get me, or understand the way I thought or worked, I changed me.  I changed parts of me, and buried things deep within, so far, that I didn’t even recognize myself.  I stopped being honest.  I stopped sharing.  And I grew resentful.  But it wasn’t the other person’s fault.  They were happy, because they were being themselves.  I was the one that was miserable, because I adjusted everything I knew to be what I thought they wanted me to be.  You know I often ask the question, Can I just be Me?  But the truth of the matter is, how can I even ask that question of others, when I won’t do it myself?  Interesting…I have simply just come to the conclusion that people say all the time.  I’m gonna be Me…because in the end, that’s who I am.   I am who I’ve always been.  I would seriously suggest the same of anyone else going through something similar.  I suggest that you be you.  In marriage.  In divorce, in relationships, and in life in general.  Other people can’t tell you how to be you at any moment.  I think that’s why it’s so tough, because there’s no handbook on being you.  Now there are self help books out there, but I don’t know if I’d spend money on those, but for some, they may help.  What I would say is that I am still learning to be who I am.  It seems as though this is just some lifelong journey I’m on.  A walk so to speak.  The truth of the matter is, if others don’t like it, that’s fine, because for once…I’m not trying to be them or like them.  I’m trying to be everything I AM!!!
More to come…

About jaisynaustin

What I write about is life...The way it changes and affects me every day. Love, heartache, and Mystery in relationships.

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