Archive | April 2016

The Complexity of Me

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You know in writing this blog over the past few years, I feel like I’ve finally started hitting my stride of sorts.  And just when I started getting to the stride, it seems as though something always tries to knock me off course.  What am I talking about with all this?  Just talking, really.  And for those that probably won’t understand, I’d say, that I’m just talking…no, really, I’m just talking…

Anyhow, here goes everything…

Over the years I’ve been writing, my biggest question was always, will others really “get” what I’m saying in this blog?  I wonder that because I realize that some of my thoughts may not be conventional, and some of my views, may actually be somewhat in the direction of controversy.  While I understand what I’m saying, and it doesn’t sound like rambling to me, it’s not lost on me, that others may not think the same.  With that said, who cares!!!  The reason I write the things I write, has somewhat of an entertainment value, but overall it’s merely to get some things off my chest.  To document and share my world, and my life with all of you.  I think that some will get it, and others…well they just won’t.  Some will find what I say insightful, and others will…well…not!   I just think at this point, that’s the way it is.   I can talk about marriage, Love, and life all day, but everybody won’t be able to relate.  Who knows why.  Could it be I’m too complicated or deep?  Maybe…then again, I don’t know if complicated would be a word I would ever use to describe myself.  I look at it as if I am just trying to be heard.  Even better, I’m trying to be seen.  Now while I don’t live my life to be seen or heard, it is nice when it actually happens.

Let’s get back to this matter of being complicated.  I have spent a number of years trying to explain myself, and my actions.  Apologizing when someone didn’t understand, why I thought the way I did.  Why I was harsh on some things and easy on others.  To that I’d just say that it’s just the way I am.  I personally think it’s simple.  When you have a set of beliefs, and stick to them generally, you get who you are.   Don’t get me wrong, it’s rarely ever that easy, but it’s also not that hard.  I also believe that people (including myself) have way of overthinking and overanalyzing life and people in general.   I know the way I am personally,  am always trying to find out the deeper meaning in things when truth of the matter is, some things are exactly what they appear to be.  And it’s not that there’s anything wrong with that, it’s just that people just want to be in each other’s business.  They want to feel like they are in the know.   Shoot, I wanna feel like that too, because I’m just nosy like that.

Trust me when I tell you, I’m not really that complicated.  I’m not that deep either.  I actually think some of the same things that everyone else thinks.  I just don’t always feel or believe that it is necessary to verbalize them.  See the thing is, I do have a lot to say, and I absolutely have views contrary to what everyday society thinks.  But they are simple.  I’m generally pretty black and white when it comes to things.  Right or wrong on most things.  I do realize there are things that become complex at times.  I just don’t always have room for those gray areas.  I actually really believe in actions and consequences.  That probably sounds very matter of fact to people, but hey.  That’s me.  I’m soooo “complex”.  You could blame it on my faith, religion, culture, whatever.  Either way, when it boils down to it.  You still get me.  You still get Jason.  There’s no one else I can be.  The difference between now and then, is that I just won’t apologize for it.

More to come…

 

 

 

 

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Trust Issues

adam and eve

Genesis 3:6-10

When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.  Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden. But the Lord God called to the man, “Where are you?”  10 He answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid. 11 And he said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?”

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I know what you’re thinking…Adam and Eve…naked.  We’ve all heard this story before.  Why do we need to know about how they sinned one more time.  Yeah, that’s probably true, everybody knows that they messed up and then got kicked out of the garden, yada, yada, ya…They weren’t smart, they were manipulated by the serpent, yada, yada, ya…Heard the story a million times.  We really have…But I didn’t come for that today.  I wanted to talk to everyone about the root of our issues.  Our trust issues.

If you take this scripture and break it down a bit, you can probably see your own issues with trust all through this.  Questions come to mind, like:  Why don’t people tell the truth?  Why weren’t they just honest when they asked?  And when I mean honest, I mean fully honest…When God asked Adam, where he was, He covered up and hid…He placed fig leaves on himself and Eve because He had eaten from the tree of knowledge.  He knew that he didn’t have any clothes on.  More importantly he knew that he had gone against the very thing that God told him not to do.  He had shunned his responsibility to his Creator.  Why is that a big deal?  So glad you asked…It’s a big deal because if someone created you, they’ve already seen what you got, so why all of the sudden are you ashamed and feel the need to lie or say otherwise (as if they don’t already know)?  There, my friends lies the question…

Insecurity…it is defined as the uncertainty or anxiety about oneself; lack of confidence.  It is also defined as the state of being open to danger or threat; or a lack of protection.   Maybe, just maybe, that’s what Adam and Eve felt when they ate of the fruit:  Unprotected.  Vulnerable.  That’s unfortunate, because it begs the question:  Why would a God who created you to shine, leave you out there without protection?  Doesn’t make sense right?  That’s how we think though.  Our insecurity in different situations most likely come from the fear of being exposed.  Unprotected.  It happens I guess, but that’s probably some of the reason why we get into our various life situations.  We at some point stopped trusting that God would keep us.  That He would guide us through the storm.  That we could do anything as long as He was with us.  And make no mistake, He’s always with us.

Too deep for you…

Let me bring it to something so tangible.  Have you ever been in a situation with your spouse or significant other where you had something you needed to tell them?  Something you messed up on, or weren’t quite comfortable with?  And when faced with the adversity of the consequences, you folded?  You lied?  Or, you just weren’t completely honest?  You’ve exclaimed and proclaimed how much you trusted them; how great they are; how much you honor them; and when it comes to crunch time, you just don’t speak.  You decide that protecting yourself is more important than being completely honest.   What happened to that trust you so proudly displayed?  What happened to the “I don’t think there’s anything we can’t work through?”  I’ll tell you what happened.  You decided to throw that away the moment you allowed your insecurity to get the better of you.   Y0u allowed the serpent to get into your head, and take you away from what you knew the truth to be.  It’s not that the person you had to tell wouldn’t be upset or angry.  It’s not that there wouldn’t be consequences.  You just didn’t trust that you could make it past those consequences. That right there…is the shame of it all.

Sounds simple right?  It is.  When you are honest with someone, it’s saying that you trust them.  Not with part of yourself, but with your full self.  You are saying that you will give them you, all of you.  Even the parts, that you’re not so sure they will accept or be completely comfortable with.  A lot of times, they’ve already seen you “naked”, and they are still around.  So what’s the point in not being honest?  Exactly…there isn’t.  It sounds so silly to not be real, when you actually take time to think about things.  It’s something I know I have personally had issues with in my life.  I always claim to be giving my self, and then at the moment when I should just say what’s up, I crawl back into the cave of holding back.  I’ve held back far too long.  Even with the people I Love, because I was worried about acceptance.  Here’s the question though:  If someone you “Love” can’t accept you, even with your faults, then the question is, Do they really Love you?  I’ll let you decide what that answer is…

Listen, life is not easy.  It’s full of decisions that have to be made everyday.  Some you’ll get right, and others…well…those are the others…The thing is, the best way to learn to live with things, is well…honesty.  It is trust…You have to learn how to trust yourself, and more importantly God, that what He created is wonderful, and great, and worth being around.  Worth having.   So what’s the moral of this Aesop fable?  Trust Yourself…You’re more than enough…You’re worthy, because God made you that way!!!

More to come…

 

 

 

 

The IDentity Crisis

Rachel-Dolezal-Split

So…everyone…here goes another moment. You know what talking about. One of those moments of absolute transparency. I guess I’m starting to find that this will be one of the biggest lessons of my lifetime. Probably a lifetime in general.  Throughout my life, my relationships, marriages, etc., I’ve really struggled. And when I say struggled, I probably mean wrestled with a lot of different emotions.  One could say that it’s the whole thing that the bible says about a double – minded man being unstable in all his ways. Now,  I wouldn’t personally call it that, however, I would say that I’ve struggled a bit with my own decisiveness.  I realize that I’ve never been someone whose mind could easily be changed more or less, but at the same time, my thoughts on different subjects were not always my own.  Not because I couldn’t think for myself, but because I always figured the way I thought about things would be misunderstood, or considered too ‘deep’ or whatnot.  I just never wanted to be harsh and hurt someone’s feelings if I told them what I really thought. I would probably say that maybe that’s just my lifelong thing.  I may always struggle relating to the world, and maybe that’s just the way it was meant to work out.

Off of me for a moment:  Our country has gone through several changes over the past few years. We have people changing their minds and even their bodies, races, genders etc.  And why?  Why would someone go through such a drastic change?  Why would they subject themselves to things such as ridicule, and most of all pain and hurt?  You hear people saying things like how they self identify with one thing or another only to find out that they know nothing about the thing they think they identify with. People like Rachel Dolezal and Bruce or Caitlin Jenner are names that ring a bell. Telling stories of how when they were young they played with the girl dolls, or the ‘black ones’ because that’s who they saw themselves as.  Saying that all their life, they knew there was something different about them, and then one day they realized that it was whatever they decided to change to.  So what’s my point in all this?  The point is that in life everyone is searching for their own identity. They are searching for something, or someone they can feel safe enough around to be exactly who they are.  Some find it in people, and others find it in becoming other people.  Now I’m not saying I condone or get down like that, I’m just saying it seems to be the world we live in.  
Despite saying all of that, it still seems that even with all those changes, no one seems like they really have an idea of who they are.   It’s even trickled into marriages and relationships.  I guess I don’t even think that’s right.  I believe that marriage and relationships were like that before all of the new age stuff.  You see, the thing about marriages is that you have two people trying to be like minded.  Trying to get to a point l where they agree.  Where we seem to get lost in all that is when one party or even both parties try so hard to adapt to their spouse or partner, that they ultimately end up losing a part of themselves.   What do I mean by that?  I mean that couples tend to think that Love is something they have to be someone else for.  That they have to give up being a part of themselves in order to find the relationship’s “True Identity”.  I think that’s where we get it all wrong.  Yes, relationships do require compromise, but those compromises don’t mean that you shouldn’t be you.  Or whoever you claim to be that week.  True Love, has no blame, and is always forgiving.  True Love is accepting of you someone is, when no one else is looking.  It endures everything, even the days where you’re not feelin’ one another.   So if you can’t be that person, and feel good or happy with that, then maybe, just maybe, you shouldn’t be together.  (Sorry not Sorry)  Couples all over the world are searching for that person they can feel like their best self with, but at the first sign of adversity, they change, and tweak and adjust themselves to conform with another person’s idea of who they should be.  Is that Love?  Or is that just being someone you’re not?
Getting back to that whole transparent thing:  I’ve spent so many years of my life being concerned about what others thought.  About whether or not they’d Love me once they found out who I was, and my ideas of Love and intimacy.  Then, at the moment they didn’t get me, or understand the way I thought or worked, I changed me.  I changed parts of me, and buried things deep within, so far, that I didn’t even recognize myself.  I stopped being honest.  I stopped sharing.  And I grew resentful.  But it wasn’t the other person’s fault.  They were happy, because they were being themselves.  I was the one that was miserable, because I adjusted everything I knew to be what I thought they wanted me to be.  You know I often ask the question, Can I just be Me?  But the truth of the matter is, how can I even ask that question of others, when I won’t do it myself?  Interesting…I have simply just come to the conclusion that people say all the time.  I’m gonna be Me…because in the end, that’s who I am.   I am who I’ve always been.  I would seriously suggest the same of anyone else going through something similar.  I suggest that you be you.  In marriage.  In divorce, in relationships, and in life in general.  Other people can’t tell you how to be you at any moment.  I think that’s why it’s so tough, because there’s no handbook on being you.  Now there are self help books out there, but I don’t know if I’d spend money on those, but for some, they may help.  What I would say is that I am still learning to be who I am.  It seems as though this is just some lifelong journey I’m on.  A walk so to speak.  The truth of the matter is, if others don’t like it, that’s fine, because for once…I’m not trying to be them or like them.  I’m trying to be everything I AM!!!
More to come…