God Let Me Down

Let me just be transparent for a moment. A few years ago when I was in the middle of a divorce, I can’t lie: I was in a bad way. I didn’t know whether I was coming or going. Didn’t know if my family was behind me. Didn’t know where I’d be living in the months to come. I was lost in the lies I told. Just out there for all intensive purposes. I was over with. I was done. I mean, maybe on the outside, I seemed as if everything was alright, but on the inside, I was crushed, and dying. I was so disappointed in the situation and what was happening. I was just to a point where I had so many questions.  

Not just for me, but for a lot of people, there are so many times in our journey when we go through things. When that happens we have a tendency to call on God to get us out of a jam. Like I said, I can’t lie…I was that person. I called on God to fix it. For him to do something, and at the time, it honestly felt like He didn’t hear me. I went through so much, and hurt so much at the time, and kept asking for Him to be there for me. I did my asking, but in my mind, all I heard was silence. God didn’t answer my prayer, God didn’t fix the marriage that I thought I’d wanted so badly, and that was so meant for me. He wasn’t there for me. He didn’t do any of the things that the saints in church had said he would do. He didn’t make a way out of no way. He didn’t bless me exceedingly and abundantly in my opinion. At that moment I was the same as all the others that weren’t sure whether or not God was real. And if He was, at that moment He had let me down. I experienced a true hardship, like many others who had a bill due, and needed a miracle, but nothing occurred. I was allowed to go through that pain, and figure things out on my own. In that moment I asked myself why He would leave me.

In those moments, I was angry with God. I treated Him like a father who had not been there for my adolescent birthdays. Like He never paid a cent of child support. Like He was a “dead-beat dad”. I steered clear of Him, and didn’t wanna hear about him, or seek him out to find out what his side of the story was. I just knew He didn’t respond at the exact moment I wanted Him to.

Again, not gonna lie…a few months had to go by, before I could see things clearly. In all that I was going through I thought that God wouldn’t love me. It’s like I had forgotten all that I had read and known about God. Just because my situation was tough. The reason, I believe God allowed me to go through some of those things was not because God had placed me there, but because I had placed myself there of my own accord. I was the one that said, that was the place I wanted to be. And when I initially prayed about it, I didn’t care whether or not God answered, because in my heart of hearts, I knew I was right about things and had the answers. And when it all went crazy, God never walked away, I did. By my actions, I told Him I didn’t need His help, and that I wasn’t patient enough to let Him in. I didn’t trust Him, I trusted me…

So what are you saying Jason? I’m saying that the reason we blame God for the bad things that happen, is because He’s a big, and easy target for us. As human beings, we are fallible, and basically unreliable. We don’t think for a second that there are going to be some things in life that we should take responsibility for. We just figure that it would be easier to blame someone else for our misfortunes. Again, what are you saying Jason? I’m saying that it’s time we stop pointing the fingers at others, and start looking to what the real problems are. It was us that decided to buy that house out of our budget. That wanted to marry someone that was clearly not a match. We got fired from that job because we didn’t do our work. We got bad grades in school because we didn’t do our homework, or study for that test. It’s us…It’s you…It’s me…It’s me.

When we believe in God, we have to believe that He is someone greater than ourselves, that knows much better than us. One that knows and truly understands how we are as people and how we will respond to certain situations. And while I believe God uses our experiences and circumstances to get the most out of us, I don’t necessarily believe He is always responsible for all of the bad we go through. There are times when we walk out of the will of God and try to make things happen for ourselves. And I personally believe that’s when some of our troubles occur. Those, in fact are the times when we need to have the largest amount of trust, because having faith in God gives us unlimited potential. Potential, that can only be limited, if we depend solely on ourselves.

More to come…

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About jaisynaustin

What I write about is life...The way it changes and affects me every day. Love, heartache, and Mystery in relationships.

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