So about 12 days ago, I did something I personally never thought I’d do. I took my shirt off and…(wait for it)… took a picture in the mirror. I took one from the side and from the front as well. For those of you who don’t know me, I never take my shirt off. In fact, I generally always wear a shirt and an undershirt as well.
Anyway, I guess I should tell what I saw at that moment. Man…I didn’t think it would be tough to talk about but I’m actually having a little trouble describing what I felt when I took the picture. It was everything I never thought I’d be and worse. At least in my eyes. I was big. I was fat even. On top of all that I then weighed myself. I was 275 lbs. I just can’t escape the words. It was one of the most embarrassing things I’d seen. I’d felt even. It was shameful. And not because I don’t like people who are deemed fat or overweight. It’s because I’d never known myself to be that way. I never even saw myself that way until the moment that shirt came off and I evaluated myself as honestly ad I could. You know you have people (including me) who will say, “oh well you’re tall so that number is not a big deal.” To that I’d say, “yeah to you, but you don’t have to carry it.” At that moment there was no newspaper reporter or doctor there to tell me that I have a bmi of this or that I was unhealthy. And for all intensive purposes I didn’t care to look at it that way. It was about my height, my proportion, and my gut. That’s what it was for me.
It’s funny because there are so any people that look at someone who has a gut or is fa and think, “oh my God, they must sit and eat cheeseburgers all day. Or they must not be able to push the plate away. They just don’t know. There could be a variety of reasons; for people to gain the extra pounds. For me it’s never been about eating a bunch of sweets or all the Häagen-Dazs I can get my hands on. Nor was it about whether or not I eat vegetables, which I actually love (trust me, there are overweight, out of shape vegetarians out there). It was actually a combination of my portion control as well as my lack of activity at work or after. I guess I could even throw in getting older and the slowing of metabolism as well, but I wouldn’t use all that as an excuse.
With that said though I just never looked at myself in those ways, but that day, something seemed to change for me. I found myself thinking about my daughter and wife and wanting to chase them in the park. Wanting to have more energy when being intimate (keeping it real) and just being a better role model and husband. I also thought about what others think (trust me, everybody does). I thought about how people looked at me and how I ultimately wanted to see myself. So here I am, on this journey to better myself. I lacked the motivation, but no more. I was as if my life had been about what others wanted for me, but now, I finally want to do it for me. And for no one else. It’s my time. My moment of Truth.
I did want to say something though. I wanted to speak to all of those that would judge someone by their weight, which is ridiculous and wrong. If I could say anything, I would tell people that think they know how people feel about themselves, but they absolutely don’t. They especially believe they know people who have had issues with their weight or dieting. People are generally their own worst critiques. They don’t need others to tell them that we need to exercise or that we need to back away from the table. We need your encouragement to say that we are loved regardless of our size.
I know that in today’s day and age, the size of a person apparently matters. But I would say that if what really mattered was considered than there would be less people hurting themselves over what a family member or supposed claimed. Or a stranger might have said on a plane. I think that everyone, regardless of their size should do the same thing I did. Take a picture of yourself in the mirror. Call it a ‘selfie’ or whatever they are calling it now days and assess yourself. Don’t give others a chance to do it. If you like what you see, go a step further, and love what you see. If you don’t, then think about how you want to change it. Make a plan, and execute it. Even if it’s not exercise, but changing what you eat, or do when you get home from work, or whatnot. People talk so much today about others who judge, but you have to understand that they don’t know anything about people who are trying to better themselves, or minding their own business for that matter. My Weight-Loss Journey is finally about Me. Whatever journey you are on, make it about becoming a better you.
Oh and I forgot to say, along this journey, I will will be documenting starting points, as well as weight loss, and sizes and stuff. I probably won’t get crazy with the specifics, but I continue writing for my own and your encouragement.
Don’t worry…More to come…
So if you’re out there, and you’ve been reading this blog or if you’re new to the blog, you’ll see that I talk about marriage a lot. I do, because, well…I’m married, and that’s what’s on my mind most of the time. Marriage. It’s like having a baby, and your thoughts are consumed by it, because it’s one of the most important things to you. Yeah, that’s me. I do think, however that most of you might be able to relate to this. Even if you’re not married and are in a relationship, you should probably be able to see some of it here. At least, that’s what I’m hoping for.
So let’s just deal with this title for a moment. I have to be honest and say it’s true. I don’t Love her the way I used to. Don’t get me wrong, I do love my wife. Very much…just not like I did then. I think that there are many different married couples that would say the same. Maybe I’m just one of the first to admit it. This isn’t to say that I have a problem in or with my marriage. It’s me saying that it’s just being in the spirit of the blog and keeping things 100 (transparent, true, for those that don’t know what that means). It’s been a while since we first met, and life happens to everyone. That’s just the way it is.
So here goes…this shouldn’t be new to anyone, but marriage is a push and pull experience. It’s the ultimate game of tug of war. It’s like you have to know when to push for what you believe and you have to allow yourself to be pulled or reeled in at times as well. I say that because, sometimes we can go overboard trying to get our point across. I know how I am. When she says something I don’t like. I’m just waiting, and waiting for her to stop talking so that I can call her out on that things she said wrong. That’s something that a lot of us do, and we need to come away from that because that’s not really the right way to argue or prove our point (it is fun though, if you like debates).
I personally believe in what they call an old love and a new love. I should probably call the new love young love, because it’s different than falling in love with someone new. Most people, tend to be in love with the new love, or the act of falling in love. I mean, who wouldn’t…it’s fun. It’s spontaneous, and it’s trouble, and when you’re young, you don’t think trouble can hurt or hinder you. We tend to want to do anything just to have that feeling we get when we’re first falling in love. The problem is, that if we spend too much time chasing that “new”, spontaneous type of love, we may miss out on what’s best for us. Which brings me to what I like to call “old love” or “boring love” whichever you wanna call it. Old love is much different than new love. It’s the type that is not afraid to get into an argument to save the relationship. It’s the type that’s comfortable aint going nowhere. Not because it can’t find love, but because it’s a bit more mature and knows how good he/she’s got it. It realizes that the grass aint always greener on the other side. It’s more accepting of faults than that troublesome spontaneous type of love. That’s what married people need. They need to be at home, bored outta their minds, because they’ve been married so long. Nah…I definitely playin’. The older, more mature love is the type of love that understands when to spice things up, when to be spontaneous and when to sit it’s butt at the house. It also understands that years of marriage can’t go by without changing some. As life happens, our character develops, and we have to adjust to our surroundings. This is probably one of the things that Darwin said that I actually believe to be true. You have to adapt, because marriage is truly survival of the fittest. People get married for various reasons, but don’t forget that they don’t stay married for some of those same various reasons.
In my marriage, I realize that I can’t get by loving her the same, mostly because she’s not the same. She’s a different person from the woman I met 13 years ago. She doesn’t act or react the same. She’s wiser, and believe it or not, so am I. She’s not even the same woman since having a baby last year. I remember how I used to love my wife. I didn’t love her like she was my better half. Or like she would be able to help me or bring something to the table. Like she was my compliment. And that was my biggest mistake. It wasn’t her that didn’t have the ability to make it 40 plus years, it was me. I took for granted how she put me in front of family and friends, which is what she should have done. That’s just something that most men do not accomplish for some reason. In fact, by the time a man gets to the point where he learns how he’s supposed to love his wife, she’s become this nagging shell of her former self and we end up just wanting her to be like she was previously.
I said before that marriage is one of the biggest faith walks you could ever take and I now know that to be absolutely true. You have to fight tooth and nail to get the marriage you want. And even when you do, you have to be consistent and relentless in keeping it that way. You have to deal with a personality that is always changing along with your own. Also with a person that learns new things about them-self each year, and new things that they want. Trust me, the new thing I want is a 65 inch LCD. She wants…Well don’t what she wants today, maybe I’ll ask her. Marriage is a fight in which we have to be strong. After all, we never know what will happen that will test whether or not we love one another. Someone once told me, that I didn’t know what love was until I’ve gone through hell with that person. He couldn’t have been more at the time. In addition to that, I suggest that we have to be mature enough to understand the importance of having someone that loves you around even before something bad happens. I’m always praying for a better marriage. Always praying that I can be at my best or as close as I can for her because I know one day I’m gonna need to her to be the same.
More to come…