I Confess…Success is Scary

There’s a scripture in the bible from John 8:32 that says, And you will know the truth, and the truth shall set you free.  Now I here this spoken all the time by people of all different types.  Most of which believe it to be the dead on.  There’s another saying that confession is good for the soul.  And while I personally am inclined to think otherwise, I guess I can see the validity in something like that.

I personally, am not really the confessing type.  I’m not saying that I can’t admit when I’m wrong, but that’s the thing.  You have to get me to tell you what I did, in order for me to admit whether or not it was wrong.  I’m just saying…

Either way, what I really wanna talk about today is my own personal confession.  More like a declarative statement, so to speak.  So here goes….

I failed…I have failed…

I have not always lived up to my own expectations.  I haven’t had the money, I haven’t been well known, not famous nor any of that.  I have failed in most of my life.  I wasn’t the scholar that my family believed to be.  In fact, in most of high school, I was extremely lazy.  I only tried when I had to, and even then, it was probably more of a half effort.  I see the things that I didn’t do then, and understand some of my struggles now.  I guess I’m the type of person that has to wrap his mind around certain things in order for them to be true in my reality.  I don’t know if I’ve ever really felt successful.  I look back on my years, and I see a bunch of failures.  Being kicked out of school.  A failed marriage.  The friendships I’ve left behind.  Seems like too many to count for someone who is only 34.  I look at those things, and when I hear someone tell me how I can be better, all I think is, “You don’t really know how I feel about it.”  Until a few weeks ago.

I’d probably deny this, if someone asks after today, but I guess it’s in writing now, so I won’t be able to.  A little over a week ago, I was home in VA, and my brother pointed something out to me that I hadn’t heard in years.  He said something that only I had personally admitted to myself.  Like I said before, I hadn’t spoken about it, because I’m not really about that confession type of thing.  He said to me, that I was afraid to be successful.  And at the time, I probably would’ve called him crazy, and he was for the context in which he was talking, but overall he was right…

That’s my confession.  I…Am Afraid…To be Successful.  Part 2 of that would be that I am truly afraid of so much more as well.  I just don’t talk about those things.

It’s not that I don’t have the aptitude to be successful.  It’s that up until now, I never had the attitude.  I get so caught up in the exploration of the psychology of my failures, that it’s hard for me to move forward, and let things go.  When I have failed before, I’ve been really tough on myself.  I don’t know if it’s because of family, or what.  I believe it’s me.  I never focused on what I actually did well.  I focused mostly on what I did wrong.  I think it is because I’ve always wanted to be known as a person of humility, when truth is, I can be pretty arrogant at times.  It’s because I probably care a lot more about being important than I have ever been willing to admit.  I never sought out for people to look at me and say, he’s arrogant, and he thinks he can do it all.  I just wanted them to know I was confident in myself, yet humble.  That’s big for me.  Cause it took me a while to come to this, but I think it’s more arrogant for people to think that they can wait on someone to congratulate them on the things they did well, than to just have confidence in oneself.  And in all honesty, I don’t really know when I lost it.  It could be the time I got my first D in Honors English 9.  Yeah, I know that’s a long time ago, but I think it was when my proverbial scholastic bubble was burst.  It could also be the marriage thing like I mentioned above.  Truth be told, I really sucked at my first marriage.  Not because I was a bad person, but because I wasn’t everything I could’ve been.  It wasn’t being lazy.  It was that I wasn’t mature enough to handle the situation.   Believe it or not, I even fail in friendships as we all do.  I don’t always know how to sustain them.  I, at times, am non-responsive, or just lose touch with the people I say mean something to me.

I think that’s why not only myself, but also people are so cautious about things.  Nobody wants to fail.  But the truth is everyone does at some point.  The point of it all is that you can’t be afraid to fail, but more importantly, don’t be afraid to be successful.   Success and failures happen to everyone.  But what’s funny is that when someone is so focused on failing, that’s what they end up doing.  And when someone is so focused on their work, or being successful, they end up failing in a place in their lives they hold dear.   I would say that having a nice balance is best.  Also admitting that there will be some things that you just won’t be good at.  Some will fail in marriages, and when they try to make their marriages successful, they will fail in how they deal with their kids, or jobs, or just how personal they are with other things.   People generally get better with time though.

I do personally believe confession is a good thing.  It’s good for the soul.  I’m not talking about the Usher type of “Confessions”.  I’m just speaking about personal failings and successes.  Nobody’s perfect, and we won’t ever be for that matter.  We should, however, try to get better at the things we lack in.  We shouldn’t be lazy and just allow things to just simmer in place.    Doing so is never a good thing.  When I acknowledged that I failed, and worked hard to repair some of those things that I believed were broken, and that truly helped me.   I also believe that when you’re good at something, be good at it.  Don’t be arrogant, and think you can’t get better though.  I know now that I’m pretty good at some things.  I honestly think I’m a good writer.  It doesn’t mean I am the best, but it’s okay for me to say I’m good.  And it’s okay for me to say that I care about what others think of me.  I also think I’m good at talking (well I think most people know I can do that) to people.   I’m am however, not good at getting to my point at times, that’s why all these blogs are so long…hahaha

More to come…


About jaisynaustin

What I write about is life...The way it changes and affects me every day. Love, heartache, and Mystery in relationships.

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